Privacy Policy

Last Updated: Whenever someone asks, "Whatcha reading?"

At Jacuzzi Weekly, we value your privacy. This policy explains how your reading habits are collected, protected, concealed, and, when necessary, outright denied.

Information Visibility

By default, the contents of your magazine are considered private information. Unauthorized viewers, including coworkers, roommates, family members, strangers on public transportation, and anyone who begins a sentence with "Ooh, what's that?" should not be granted unrestricted visual access.

Data Protection Measures

Readers are encouraged to implement one or more of the following privacy controls:

Adjust the reading angle to approximately 37 degrees away from nearby observers.
Employ the Casual Page Fold™ to obscure headlines while maintaining readability.
Nod thoughtfully regardless of whether you are reading an article or an advertisement.
If approached unexpectedly, turn immediately to the table of contents. No one has ever asked to read the table of contents.

Third-Party Access

We do not knowingly share your reading material with third parties. However, third parties may attempt to access your content by:

Looking over your shoulder.
Asking, "Is that any good?"
Pretending they are searching for something while remaining suspiciously close.
Saying, "I used to read a lot."

You are under no obligation to provide summaries.

Information Disclosure

Disclosure of your current page should occur only under the following circumstances:

You voluntarily recommend an article.
Someone compliments the magazine.
You accidentally laugh out loud and are forced to explain yourself.
You need a quick distraction to escape a dangerous situation.

Data Retention

Your reading history is stored exclusively in your memory until someone asks what you've been reading recently, at which point all information may be permanently lost.

Children's Privacy

Children may view the pictures. Whether they understand the essays is between them and god.

Policy Changes

This Privacy Policy may be updated periodically, especially if people become significantly curious.

By continuing to read in public, you acknowledge that complete privacy cannot be guaranteed, but you agree to make a reasonable effort to conceal our publication whenever someone walks by.