Terms & Conditions

Effective Date: Immediately upon possession of the magazine.

By opening this publication (Jacuzzi Weekly), you ("the Reader") acknowledge and agree to the following operating procedures.

Step 1: Acquisition

Obtain one (1) magazine through purchase, gift, theft (discouraged), or by discovering it in a waiting room. Confirm that the Magazine is, in fact, a magazine and not a decorative object, cutting mat, or unusually thin phone book.

Step 2: Orientation

Position the Magazine so that the cover is facing upward. Failure to do so may result in beginning with the advertisements or accidentally reading the back cover first, both of which are legally permitted but generally do not produced the desired outcome.

Step 3: Opening Procedure

Using one or more hands, gently separate the front cover from the remaining pages. Excessive force is unnecessary and may reduce the Magazine's resale value from approximately $30.00 to $0.00.

Step 4: Visual Intake

Direct your eyes toward the exposed page. Allow your brain to interpret the symbols into recognizable words. Readers experiencing difficulty may repeat this step as needed.

Step 5: Page Advancement

Upon completion of a page, grasp the outer edge and rotate it approximately 180 degrees until the subsequent page is revealed. Continue until no pages remain or your phone vibrates.

Step 6: Optional Reflection

Readers may pause periodically to laugh, cry, nod knowingly, disagree with an opinion piece, or pretend they were already familiar with the artist being discussed.

Step 7: Completion

Once the final page has been reached, close the Magazine by reversing the opening procedure. Completion of the Magazine does not constitute comprehension of the Magazine.

Additional Terms

  • Reading from front to back is recommended but not mandatory.

  • Skipping directly to the pictures is an acceptable use of the Magazine.

  • Folding page corners as bookmarks is permitted, though it may negatively affect your relationships with others.

  • The Publisher assumes no responsibility for ideas formed while reading.

  • Side effects may include inspiration, confusion, the sudden urge to reorganize your life, or the irrational confidence to apply for a grant.

  • Re-reading the Magazine is expressly permitted. The jokes may not improve, but your timing might.

By proceeding beyond the cover, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, or at least convincingly skimmed these Terms & Conditions.